By Someone Who Has Definitely Not Been Ghosted This Month (Shut Up)
Let’s talk about romantic attraction, that magical, heart-throbbing, stomach-flipping mess we’ve all convinced ourselves is “destiny” but is, spoiler alert, just a cocktail of chemicals and trauma responses. Science calls it attraction. Instagram calls it #soulmate. Your therapist calls it “a pattern.”
In truth, romantic attraction is less about “finding the one” and more about which evolutionary tricks, body smells, and unresolved daddy issues happen to collide at the right moment. Let’s break it down, snark-style, with nine basic elements that turn ordinary interactions into sweaty-palmed situationships.
1. Dopamine: Nature’s Overrated Push Notification
Ah, dopamine. The chemical equivalent of a “you up?” text. Dopamine fuels that electric rush you feel when someone cute so much as glances in your direction at the bar—or more realistically, likes your Instagram story. It’s the brain's reward system lighting up like a Christmas tree in a meth lab.
In early attraction, dopamine is high. You feel elated, obsessed, and somehow convinced that this person’s Spotify playlist is the missing puzzle piece in your soul. It's not. But dopamine doesn’t care. It's got you checking your phone like it owes you money.
You’re not in love. You’re high. And unlike actual drugs, you can't just detox from Kevin who “isn’t ready for a relationship” but is ready to text you at 11:48 PM.
2. Oxytocin: The Cuddle Dealer
If dopamine is the dealer, oxytocin is the clingy best friend who won’t let you leave the sleepover. Nicknamed the cuddle hormone, oxytocin gets released when you hug, touch, or have sex with someone. It’s why you suddenly want to know their middle name, and also their mother's birthday.
Oxytocin is cute until it traps you in a two-month situationship with someone who doesn’t believe in “labels.” You’ll defend them to your friends like, “We have a connection,” while they’re Venmo-requesting you for half the Uber home.
Blame oxytocin, not your standards. (Actually, maybe both.)
3. Serotonin: The Reason You’re Losing Sleep Over That One Text
Low serotonin levels are associated with obsessive thinking, which is science’s adorable way of saying “you’re spiraling again.” It’s why when you fall for someone, you suddenly can’t stop thinking about them—and by thinking, we mean full-on FBI-stalking them on LinkedIn at 2 a.m.
Serotonin says, “This is important. You must analyze every interaction as though it’s a riddle from the Sphinx.” Did they like your meme because it was funny, or because they’re in love with you? Are they busy or just emotionally unavailable?
Spoiler alert: It’s emotional unavailability, babe. Put down the phone.
4. Pheromones: Your Nose Knows
Pheromones are chemicals you release without knowing it, like when you’re sweating through your shirt at a party and somehow still get hit on. Some scientists argue humans can subconsciously detect genetic compatibility through scent. Which means yes, your love life may literally depend on whether someone likes how your armpits smell.
Ever met someone hot on paper but in person they just seemed...off? That’s pheromones whispering, “He’s cute but his DNA is trash.”
And yet, you dated him anyway. Science can only help so much.
5. Testosterone and Estrogen: Gendered Hormonal Chaos
Testosterone and estrogen play their own sexy roles in attraction. Testosterone amps up sexual desire, competitiveness, and the inexplicable urge to own three motorcycles. Estrogen boosts social bonding and emotional sensitivity—or, as men on Reddit call it, “being dramatic.”
These hormones create that classic dance of lust and longing we call “dating,” which often ends in screaming matches about who's more “emotionally mature.”
Fun fact: Testosterone levels rise when you're around someone you’re attracted to. So when that gym rat offers to spot you, he’s not just being nice—he’s literally juiced with primal hormones and bench-pressing through his feelings.
6. Adrenaline: The Bad Boy Hormone
Adrenaline is why you fell for the guy with a motorcycle, three ex-wives, and a tattoo of a flaming skull on his neck. It kicks in during moments of excitement or danger—say, when you’re on a roller coaster or dating someone who “just got out of a really toxic thing.”
It’s fight-or-flight meets hot-or-not. Adrenaline tricks your brain into mistaking danger for desire, which is why “bad boys” and “crazy girls” keep winning while the emotionally stable people stay single and hydrated.
Adrenaline says, “This person is thrilling!” Reality says, “This person will ruin your credit.”
7. Similarity: Narcissism Disguised as Compatibility
Here’s a wild truth: We like people who are similar to us. Shocking, right? You think you’re searching for a soulmate when really, you're looking for a hot version of yourself with better hair.
Shared interests, values, and backgrounds increase attraction because humans are tribal little creatures who love the familiar. It’s why couples often end up looking alike. It’s also why dating apps are just glorified self-affirmation mirrors.
But similarity can be dangerous. You might both love Thai food and Radiohead, but that doesn’t mean he won’t ghost you after six months and a shared Hulu subscription.
8. Reciprocity: The Ultimate Ego Boost
Nothing feels better than being wanted—especially by someone with good lighting and visible abs. We’re more likely to like someone who likes us back. It’s psychology’s version of, “You up?” followed by “Because I’m down.”
This is why hot-and-cold behavior is so addictive. The second someone pulls away, you go full Shakespeare: “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Or are you just not texting back because you’re at brunch with your ex?”
When someone reciprocates attraction, your self-esteem inflates like a balloon. When they don’t, it deflates like your will to live after their “let’s be friends” speech.
9. Mystery: The Crack Cocaine of Courtship
Let’s not underestimate the power of not knowing what the hell is going on. Uncertainty fuels intrigue. That’s why you’re still thinking about that person who never told you how they felt, even though they once texted “lol ur funny” three weeks ago.
Mystery is sexy. Predictability is... well, it’s Greg from accounting who texts you good morning every day and has his whole life together. But let’s be real—your heart’s still pining for Chad who wears sunglasses indoors and owns one fork.
Mystery triggers your imagination. It turns a walking red flag into a misunderstood poet. In reality, he’s just emotionally unavailable and doesn't own a bed frame.
Conclusion: You’re Just a Chemical Mess With WiFi
Attraction isn’t fate. It’s a science experiment with really bad control variables and a high risk of heartbreak. You’re not “choosing wrong”—you’re being hijacked by your neurochemistry like a romantic Stockholm Syndrome victim.
Understanding the chemistry of attraction won’t stop you from falling for the wrong people, but it might help you laugh through it. Or at least blame dopamine the next time you swipe right on a guy who says his love language is “grilling meat.”
So the next time you feel that spark, ask yourself:
Is this love?
Or is it just pheromones, adrenaline, and unresolved trauma doing a TikTok dance in your brain?
Either way, buckle up. You’re in for another ride on the hormone rollercoaster. No seatbelts. No refunds. Good luck out there, lovers.