So, you survived another disaster-free day—congratulations! But if the recent inferno that turned parts of Los Angeles into a post-apocalyptic movie set taught us anything, it's that luck isn’t a strategy. Fires, hurricanes, earthquakes, floods—Mother Nature has a million ways to ruin your day. So unless you enjoy sprinting out of your house barefoot in the middle of the night clutching your dog and a half-melted tub of ice cream, it’s time to get serious about emergency preparedness.
Here’s your ultimate snarky-yet-essential guide to getting your life together before disaster strikes.
Step 1: Build a ‘Go Bag’ (No, Not Just Your Everyday Messy Purse)
A ‘go bag’ is basically your survival kit—something you can grab and run with when your neighbor shouts, “Hey, is that smoke?” It should be in an easily accessible spot (translation: NOT buried under six years of junk mail in the closet). The American Red Cross has kits for sale, but if you’d rather DIY, here’s what to pack:
Water – A gallon per person, per day. (Yes, a GALLON. Your sad little water bottle won’t cut it.) Three days’ worth for evac situations; two weeks if you're hunkering down.
Non-perishable food – Think protein bars, canned beans, and anything that won’t turn into a science experiment in a week.
First-aid kit – Because bleeding out is a bad look.
Prescriptions – Running out of essential meds mid-crisis is NOT a power move.
Flashlight + Extra Batteries – Because stumbling around in the dark is for horror movies.
Phone Charger + Power Bank – Your Instagram followers need to know you survived.
Multipurpose Tool – A knife, can opener, screwdriver—it’s like a Swiss Army knife for doomsday.
Blankets & Clothing – Comfort is key when you’re roughing it in a Walmart parking lot.
Cash – ATMs don’t work when the power’s out.
Important Documents – Copies of IDs, insurance, and proof that you own that one fancy thing you claim is worth a fortune.
N95 Masks – Because breathing smoke is not a recommended activity.
Pet Supplies – If you’re bringing Fluffy, don’t forget her food and meds.
Step 2: Get Your Family’s Act Together
It’s cute that you assume everyone will just “figure it out” when disaster strikes. Reality check: If you don’t have a game plan, chaos will reign.
Map out your escape routes – Know at least two ways out of your house and neighborhood. Because “winging it” is NOT a plan.
Have a meeting spot – If cell towers go down, how will you find your people? (Spoiler: You won’t.) Pick a landmark and make it THE meeting point.
Know the risks – Fires, floods, earthquakes—figure out what’s most likely to ruin your week and prep accordingly.
Befriend your neighbors – They might be the ones pulling you out of rubble, so now’s the time to bake them cookies and build alliances.
Step 3: Write Down Emergency Numbers (Because Siri Might Not Be Available)
Your phone battery dies, and suddenly you can’t remember your own mother’s number. Avoid this disaster by writing down:
Family & friends’ contacts
Local fire and police departments
Your doctor & vet (if you have pets)
Insurance providers (because you’ll need them to replace all your burned stuff)
Stick this list in your go bag and another copy in your car.
Step 4: Make Your Car Disaster-Ready
If you wait until the fire is licking your front door to gas up, you’ve already lost. Keep your vehicle ready with:
A full tank (or at least half—no one likes gas station riots)
Roadside emergency kit
Spare charger for your phone
A blanket and snacks (because sitting in evacuation traffic is inevitable)
Step 5: Don't Forget Your Pets (They’re Family, Too)
If your dog gets anxiety when you move his food bowl, imagine how he’ll react when fleeing a wildfire. Get them used to car rides and:
Have a pet go-bag with food, meds, and a leash
Find pet-friendly shelters or hotels ahead of time
Make sure your pets are microchipped (lost pets in disasters = heartbreak)
Step 6: What to Do With Your Fridge When the Power Dies
Your fridge can only hold its chill for so long. When the power goes out:
Keep the door shut like your life depends on it.
Toss everything after 4+ hours (yes, that means the expensive cheese, too).
If you KNOW a disaster is coming, stock up on canned goods and non-perishables instead.
Step 7: Air Quality – Because Breathing Shouldn’t Hurt
Wildfires, hurricanes, and industrial disasters all love to make breathing difficult. Protect yourself:
Invest in a good air purifier
Keep N95 masks handy (they work for smoke and dust, not just pandemics)
Step 8: Protect Your Sentimental Junk (Before It’s Ashes)
Your grandma’s wedding photo isn’t fireproof. Digitize old photos and documents now. Also, consider:
Cloud storage for important files
A fireproof safe for valuables
A waterproof box for documents
Step 9: Take a Home Inventory (Because Insurance Companies Love Receipts)
After a disaster, your insurance company will ask, “So, what did you lose?” and your answer will probably be, “Uh… everything?” Avoid the struggle:
Take pictures of everything valuable
Keep receipts for expensive purchases
Store records digitally so you can access them anytime
Step 10: Call Your Insurance Company Before You Need Them
If you don’t know what your policy covers, now’s the time to find out. Double-check:
Does your home insurance cover wildfires? (Hint: Many don’t.)
Are you covered for floods? Earthquakes?
If you rent, do you have renter’s insurance? (Spoiler: You should.)
Final Thoughts: Don’t Be the One Who Says, ‘I Should Have Prepared’
Look, the world is a chaotic mess, and disaster waits for no one. You can either be the person scrambling at the last minute or the one smugly sipping tea knowing you’re ready for whatever comes next. Your choice.
So, get your go-bag, make your plan, and for the love of all things holy—keep your car gassed up. You never know when the next disaster will come knocking.