So, you want to have a great week? Fantastic! The bar is low. But fear not—I’m here to serve up some hilariously earnest advice to help you crush the seven-day stretch ahead, all while rolling your eyes at the absurdity of wellness culture. Buckle up, buttercup, and let’s dive into the real guide to optimizing your existence, Kaitlin Reilly style.
1. Cook in a Cast-Iron Skillet
Oh, the humble cast-iron skillet: the heavyweight champ of kitchen equipment. Not only can it sear a steak to perfection, but it can also double as a murder weapon in your favorite true-crime reenactment. Cooking in cast iron doesn’t just build your triceps—it’s a hack for sneaking iron into your diet. Who knew your skillet could be a health influencer?
Low on iron? Skip the spinach (we all know it tastes like soggy sadness) and instead whip up a cast-iron frittata. Bonus points if you photograph your creation for Instagram with the hashtag #WellnessGoals. Just remember to actually season the pan, or you’ll spend your week scrubbing it like Cinderella on caffeine.
2. Have a ‘Yes’ Day
Ah, the “Yes Day,” inspired by a Jennifer Garner flick that sounds like a mom’s fever dream. Here’s the gist: you say “yes” to every request from your loved ones, regardless of how ridiculous. Want dessert for dinner? Sure. An impromptu water balloon fight? Why not? A family karaoke battle where everyone sings “Let It Go” for the 9,000th time? Fine, but only if you’re tipsy.
The secret to surviving Yes Day without losing your mind? Set boundaries. (Irony alert: isn’t that the opposite of saying “yes”?) This isn’t about giving your toddler the keys to the minivan; it’s about creating joyful chaos on your terms. Think of it as controlled spontaneity. And when the day’s over, say a big, resounding “NO” to cleaning up the mess.
3. Wear Socks to Bed
Wearing socks to bed is a polarizing topic. For Team Cozy, it’s like wrapping your feet in tiny, fluffy hugs. For Team Absolutely Not, it’s akin to suffocating your toes in a woolen prison. But here’s the science: socks help regulate your body temperature, which means you might fall asleep faster and stay in dreamland longer.
Pro tip: ditch the sad, mismatched socks with holes in them. Treat yourself to a pair so soft and luxurious, they’ll make you wonder why you ever sided with Team Barefoot. And if anyone mocks your sock game, remind them that their cold, exposed toes are probably ruining their REM cycles.
4. Stop Chewing Ice
Are you an ice chewer? Let me guess: you also enjoy stressing out your dentist and secretly competing for the title of World’s Most Obnoxious Dinner Guest. Turns out, crunching on ice isn’t just annoying—it’s also terrible for your teeth. Who knew?
Instead of risking a $2,000 dental bill, try swapping that icy crunch for frozen grapes. They’re sweet, satisfying, and don’t come with the side effect of turning your molars into gravel. Plus, eating frozen grapes makes you feel like a bougie Roman emperor, minus the toga.
5. Go for Gut-Friendly Foods
Welcome to 2025, where everyone is obsessed with their gut microbiome. If you’re not eating fermented cabbage or chugging kombucha, are you even trying? Probiotics are the new black, and gut health is the wellness trend that just won’t quit.
But let’s be honest: no one really enjoys eating sauerkraut. (If you say you do, I don’t trust you.) The good news is there are other ways to pamper your gut without pretending to like fermented misery. Yogurt, miso soup, and even pickles are gut-friendly and won’t leave your taste buds traumatized. Your microbiome will thank you, even if your friends won’t stop teasing you about your new “bacteria obsession.”
6. Shift Out of a Scarcity Mindset
Feeling like there’s never enough—time, money, snacks—is so 2024. This year, we’re all about abundance. Not the actual kind (who has time for that?), but the mindset. The easiest way to fake abundance? Gratitude.
Yes, gratitude journals are borderline cliché, but they work. Write down three things you’re thankful for every day, like the fact that you didn’t cry during today’s Zoom meeting or that your Uber Eats order came with extra fries. Or skip the journaling and just say “thanks” to the universe, your dog, or the bartender pouring your third mimosa. Gratitude is the wellness equivalent of duct tape: it fixes everything, at least temporarily.
7. Rot Responsibly
The Oxford word of 2024 was “brain rot,” and honestly, it feels personal. Who among us hasn’t spent hours scrolling TikTok until we forgot what daylight looks like? But before you spiral into shame, let’s rebrand brain rot as “strategic decompression.”
Therapists say it’s okay to rot in moderation, which is great news for anyone who spent their holiday break rewatching The Office for the 12th time. The key is balance. Instead of doomscrolling Twitter until your soul shrivels, try a low-tech version of rotting, like staring at a wall or taking a nap. It’s just as unproductive, but way less soul-crushing.
8. Keep a Streak
If you’re motivated by gold stars and participation trophies, streaks are your new best friend. The idea is simple: do something every day and don’t break the chain. It’s a gamified way of tricking your brain into caring about flossing or drinking water.
Start small. No one’s asking you to run a marathon every day (unless you’re a masochist). Instead, aim for something manageable, like doing 10 push-ups or spending five minutes decluttering your disaster of a desk. And if you break your streak, don’t panic. Just start over and pretend it never happened. Denial is the backbone of self-improvement.
9. Make Exercise Playful
Do you hate exercise? Same. But apparently, it doesn’t have to feel like torture. Fitness experts suggest making workouts playful, which sounds suspiciously like they’re tricking you into moving your body.
Here’s the deal: skip the soul-sucking gym and do something fun instead. Join a kickball league, relive your childhood with double Dutch, or force your dog into a game of tag. (Pro tip: dogs don’t know the rules of tag, so good luck.) The goal is to accidentally work out while pretending you’re just goofing off. It’s fitness in disguise, and it’s oddly genius.
Final Thoughts
There you have it: nine snarky-but-effective wellness tips to help you crush the week like a slightly frazzled but ultimately fabulous human being. Whether you’re seasoning your cast-iron skillet or wearing socks to bed, remember this: wellness isn’t about being perfect. It’s about doing your best while laughing at the absurdity of it all. And if all else fails, there’s always frozen grapes and Yes Days to fall back on.