Look, we all know we should be doing more to take care of ourselves. But let’s be honest—most health advice is like that annoying gym membership you bought on January 2nd: great in theory, but completely abandoned by February. Still, in the spirit of giving you every opportunity to be a slightly better version of yourself, here are ten health tips that you’ll read, nod at, and then promptly forget about.
1. Wash Your Hands Like a Functional Adult
Oh, you thought hand sanitizer was enough? Cute. If you’re relying on a squirt of alcohol gel to protect you from the norovirus (aka the puke-and-poop plague), think again. That little bottle of sanitizer isn’t strong enough to kill the germs lurking on public door handles, your phone screen, or (gag) the communal office fridge handle. Wash your hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds—yes, that’s a full chorus of "Happy Birthday"—and try not to immediately touch your face afterward.
2. Pretend You Enjoy Green Tea
If you drink three to seven cups of green tea a day, you might be doing your brain a favor. Studies suggest that green tea helps prevent white matter lesions, which could reduce your risk of dementia. So go ahead, swap your morning coffee for green tea and pretend it doesn’t taste like slightly damp lawn clippings.
3. Ditch the Red Meat (or at Least the Mystery Meat)
Look, nobody is saying you can never have a burger again, but maybe ease up on the bacon-wrapped hot dogs and the gas station mystery sausages? Science is telling us that excessive red meat consumption—especially the processed stuff—can lead to cognitive decline. You know what doesn’t come with a side of dementia? Fish, nuts, and poultry. Try a salmon sandwich instead of a greasy burger. Your brain (and arteries) will thank you.
4. Eat Barley, Because Fiber Is Your Friend
Quinoa has been hogging the spotlight for years, but barley deserves some love. It's packed with fiber, which most people don’t get enough of, and helps keep your digestion in check. Plus, it actually tastes good in soups, salads, or as a rice substitute. So be an adult and eat some barley before your digestive system stages a protest.
5. Embrace Your Inner Grandma
Knitting, embroidery, baking, and other “grandma-core” hobbies aren’t just for the elderly or hipsters trying to be ironic. These activities promote mindfulness, reduce stress, and give you an excuse to sit in silence and not check your phone every 30 seconds. Bonus: If your grandma hobby of choice is cooking, you might accidentally eat real food instead of surviving on takeout and sadness.
6. Be Gloriously Unproductive
Our culture is obsessed with productivity. If you’re not optimizing, hustling, or “leveling up,” are you even alive? News flash: perfectionism is making you miserable. Clinical psychologists suggest that letting yourself be unproductive—reading trashy novels instead of self-help books, for example—can actually improve your mental health. So go ahead, lounge on the couch and stare at the ceiling. It’s self-care, not laziness.
7. Sleep Your Way to Warmth
Winter is cold, and if you’re shivering at night, it might not be because your landlord is a cheapskate who won’t turn on the heat. Sleep deprivation messes with your body’s ability to regulate temperature, making you feel colder. Get a full night’s sleep, and maybe you won’t have to wear three pairs of socks to bed.
8. Eat Popcorn (Without the Pound of Butter)
Popcorn isn’t just for movie theaters and sad microwave dinners. It's actually a decent source of fiber and has some surprising health benefits. But before you dump a gallon of artificial butter on it, try flavoring it with nutritional yeast (for a cheesy vibe), smoked paprika, or a sprinkle of cinnamon and cocoa powder. Your arteries will be slightly less clogged, and you can still enjoy your snack.
9. Mocktails: Because Your Liver Has Had Enough
That glass of wine you justify with "it’s good for my heart"? Turns out, not so much. The latest research suggests that even moderate drinking increases your risk of a bunch of unpleasant health outcomes. If you’re looking to cut back without feeling like a social pariah, try one of the many nonalcoholic drinks that are suddenly trendy. Who knew sobriety would become hip?
10. Eat Bitter and Sulfuric Foods (Yes, They Sound Gross, but Stay With Me)
Your liver already does a great job detoxing your body, but if you want to give it a little extra help, add some bitter or sulfur-containing foods to your diet. Broccoli, kale, Brussels sprouts—these veggies help your body produce glutathione, an antioxidant that supports liver health. If that doesn’t convince you, just throw them on a pizza and pretend they’re toppings.
So there you have it—ten health tips that might actually make your week (and your life) better. Will you follow them? Probably not. But hey, at least now you can feel slightly guilty about it. Happy health-ing!