Ah, December. That magical time of year when life turns into a holiday-themed episode of Survivor. Between dodging coworkers' cold germs, fending off unsolicited fruitcakes, and enduring Mariah Carey’s annual assault on your eardrums, it’s no wonder you’re frazzled. But fear not! Here’s your ultimate guide to surviving December with a (semi-)genuine smile on your face.
👐🏼 Wash Your Hands Like You Mean It
Listen, if you’re still saying, “But I already wash my hands,” let me introduce you to the horrors of public restroom hygiene studies. Turns out, most of you are doing it wrong. A quick splash and shake isn’t handwashing; it’s wishful thinking. December 1–7 is National Handwashing Awareness Week, which is probably a sign that we’ve collectively failed Hand Hygiene 101.
Pro tip: Make washing your hands a theatrical event. Belt out "Happy Birthday" or hum the Jaws theme while scrubbing. And don’t forget to dry those bad boys, because wet hands are basically a petri dish waiting to happen. You don’t want to start 2025 with “Holiday Flu: The Sequel.”
🥣 Eat Cottage Cheese. Or Don’t. I Don’t Care.
Apparently, Dec. 30 is National Cottage Cheese Day. Who decides these things? The Dairy Lobby? Big Curds? Anyway, cottage cheese is touted as a “superfood,” but let’s call it what it really is: lumpy white goo that tastes vaguely like disappointment. Sure, it’s high in protein and probiotics, but so are Greek yogurt and half the snacks at Trader Joe’s — and those don’t resemble drywall spackle.
If you’re feeling adventurous, TikTok insists you can turn cottage cheese into ice cream or pancakes. Or just sprinkle it with some cinnamon and pretend it’s festive. Your choice.
❤️ Donate Without the Guilt Trip
Ah, GivingTuesday. The day charities remind you that spending $80 on a Secret Santa gift no one wants is morally indefensible when there are people in need. And they’re not wrong! Whether you donate blood, canned goods, or cash, giving back is a wholesome antidote to December’s consumerist chaos.
Can’t afford to give money? No worries. Just do something kind, like helping a neighbor shovel their driveway or refraining from posting your Elf on the Shelf “creations” on Instagram. Generosity comes in many forms.
🌨️ Seasonal Affective Disorder: The Winter Blues, But Make It Official
If winter has you feeling like a sad, shivering lump of fleece, congratulations — you might have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). It’s like regular depression but with a festive snowflake filter! December’s lack of sunlight doesn’t help, turning even the most cheerful among us into grumpy hermits who Google “beaches in the Maldives” at 3 a.m.
The solution? Light therapy lamps, vitamin D, and maybe just giving yourself permission to wallow a little. It’s cold, it’s dark, and Mariah Carey’s royalties are climbing by the minute. You’re entitled to feel cranky.
✏️ Do a Crossword Puzzle. Because Why Not?
Dec. 8 is National Crossword Solvers Day, and Dec. 21 is National Crossword Puzzle Day. Yes, this means we’ve assigned not one but two days to the world’s nerdiest pastime. But you know what? Good for crosswords. They’re wholesome, they’re challenging, and they’re one of the few things you can do while pretending to listen during Zoom meetings.
Whether you’re a casual solver or a hardcore cruciverbalist (look it up), a crossword puzzle is a great way to distract yourself from gift-wrapping disasters and the horror of your holiday credit card bill.
🧘🏻♂️ Stretch, You Lazy Lump
If you’ve spent the past 11 months sitting at a desk like a human pretzel, Dec. 11 (National Stretching Day) is your cue to uncoil. Stretching improves flexibility, eases tension, and makes you feel vaguely virtuous without requiring a gym membership.
Pro tip: Pair your stretches with a holiday movie marathon. You’ll feel smugly productive as you touch your toes and cry over It’s a Wonderful Life for the 47th time.
❄️ Embrace the Winter Solstice
The winter solstice on Dec. 21 is the shortest day of the year, which sounds depressing until you remember it’s basically uphill from here. Celebrate by channeling your inner Scandinavian and embracing hygge — that’s Danish for “being cozy while smugly pretending you’re not freezing.”
Light some candles, wrap yourself in a blanket, and sip hot cocoa as you scroll doom-laden headlines about the climate crisis. It’s what the Vikings would’ve wanted.
⛔ Holiday Food Myths: Debunked
Worried about holiday weight gain? Relax. Experts say the average person gains just one or two pounds during the holidays, which is barely noticeable unless you’re Santa Claus. So, eat the cookie. Heck, eat the whole tray. Just don’t starve yourself in anticipation of the feast — you’ll end up eating twice as much and hating yourself for it.
Pro tip: Skip the detox nonsense. Your liver’s got this. Unless you’ve been guzzling eggnog by the gallon, there’s no need for a “cleanse.”
🍸 Holiday Drinking: Proceed with Caution
Holiday parties are essentially an elaborate excuse to drink cocktails with names like “Santa’s Slay” and “Jingle Juice.” While festive boozing is practically a December sport, it’s wise to set some limits unless you want to ring in the new year with regret and a wicked hangover.
Solutions? Alternate alcohol with water, have a buddy to sip mocktails with, or simply avoid open bars like they’re booby traps. If all else fails, just blame your sobriety on “Dry January prep.” Nobody needs to know you made it up.
📋 Resolutions: A Love-Hate Relationship
December is prime time for resolution brainstorming, aka the annual exercise in self-delusion. Will you finally join a gym, learn French, or become the next TikTok sensation? Probably not. But dreaming is half the fun.
Pro tip: Set realistic goals. Instead of saying, “I’m going to run a marathon,” try “I’ll take the stairs occasionally.” Baby steps, people. Also, remember: You don’t have to make resolutions. Just surviving December is achievement enough.
🎁 Treat Yourself
Holiday shopping can be a thankless grind, so why not splurge on a little something for yourself? A cozy blanket, a good book, or even just a box of fancy chocolates can be a sanity-saver during the gifting frenzy. After all, you’ve earned it. And no, that doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you practical.
🍊 Mandarins: The Unsung Heroes of Winter Fruit
December is mandarin season, so load up on these bite-sized citrus delights. They’re portable, easy to peel, and packed with vitamin C, which may or may not save you from the sniffles. Plus, they’re a welcome respite from the sugar-and-carb overload of holiday treats.
Pro tip: Pair mandarins with dark chocolate for a dessert that’s equal parts fancy and foolproof. You’re welcome.
🎥 Revisit Holiday Film Favorites
Few things scream “December” like revisiting holiday classics. Whether it’s Home Alone, Love Actually, or Die Hard (yes, it counts), holiday movies are the ultimate serotonin boost. Curl up, press play, and let the nostalgia wash over you.
The Bottom Line
December is a whirlwind of joy, stress, and sheer chaos. But with a little planning (and a lot of snark), you can navigate the madness and emerge on New Year’s Day relatively unscathed. So wash your hands, eat some mandarins, and don’t feel bad about hiding from your in-laws with a crossword puzzle. You’ve got this.
