Michele Bird, thank you for gifting us a roundup of tips that are as life-changing as they are entirely obvious. I’m sure you were aiming to be uplifting, but somewhere along the way, this list veered into the uncanny valley of #SelfCare hashtag fodder. Honestly, it reads like the collective brain dump of people who have just discovered therapy exists but still want credit for reinventing the wheel.
So, let’s break this down, one feel-good suggestion at a time, shall we?
1. "Learning to be OK with doing things alone."
Oh, look at you, daring soul, taking your solo trips and eating dinner by yourself without crumbling into a heap of existential despair. Do you want a trophy for realizing the rest of the world isn’t constantly staring at you? News flash: Nobody cares. But sure, tell us more about your brave journey to Trader Joe’s by yourself like it’s a TED Talk.
2. "I cut out people who don’t respect my boundaries."
Congratulations, you’ve discovered the art of saying "no" to your third cousin who always invites you to MLM parties. Cutting out toxic people is step one in Mental Health 101, but you’d think this was a groundbreaking move akin to splitting the atom. Honestly, this one feels like it was ghostwritten by a therapist’s Instagram account.
3. "I left my stable job and now I’m broke but mentally happy!"
Ah, the classic “money can’t buy happiness” platitude, trotted out by someone who probably still has a safety net. Look, we’re happy for you, Courtney from Ontario, but for the rest of us chained to rent payments and $7 oat lattes, this advice lands about as well as a self-help book written by Gwyneth Paltrow.
4. "I started waking up early."
What is it about waking up early that makes people so smug? You’re not a monk seeking enlightenment just because you managed to haul yourself out of bed before 8 a.m. We get it: sunrise, quiet time, blah blah blah. But unless you’ve cracked the code for waking up without hating everything, keep your early-bird evangelism to yourself.
5. "I got a dog and it saved my life."
Look, I’m not going to roast anyone for finding joy in a dog. Dogs are objectively better than humans. But let’s all take a moment to remember that pets are a massive responsibility, and not everyone has the time, energy, or money to embrace this furry panacea. That said, RIP to the good girl who changed your life—she deserved all the belly rubs.
6. "Reconnecting with a friend gave me energy for this stressful life."
A touching Hallmark moment brought to you by Annette from Minnesota, who apparently thinks the rest of us don’t already know that human connection is important. Maybe instead of scheduling lunch dates, Annette, you could lend your boundless wisdom to someone still dodging texts from their college roommate.
7. "Dance parties. Every day."
Yes, Hilary Duff stan, we see you. But let’s be honest: When was the last time you actually broke out into a full dance routine in your bathroom? And no, awkwardly swaying in your kitchen while waiting for the microwave doesn’t count. Let’s not romanticize this like it’s an iconic movie montage.
8. "Walking 15 minutes a day cleared my head."
Shocking! Exercise is good for you! Next thing you’ll tell me, drinking water and eating vegetables are game-changers too. Seriously, did someone submit this from a 1992 PSA about staying active?
9. "I started journaling."
Nothing screams “I’m better than you” like someone waxing poetic about their journaling habit. We get it; you’ve filled a notebook with vague affirmations and the occasional grocery list. Call us when your journal entries stop sounding like knock-off Pinterest quotes.
10. "Joining a choir saved my life."
I genuinely can’t hate on this one because it’s so specific and wholesome. Sassyflower80, you’ve done the impossible: sharing a mental health tip that doesn’t feel condescending. Kudos to you and your geriatric choir squad.
11. "Cold showers cure the blues!"
Okay, Ally, are you a mental health advocate or a Navy SEAL? I’m glad the “runner’s high” from your freezing shower is working for you, but the rest of us prefer not to turn our bathrooms into a polar vortex. Have fun with your Arctic self-care.
12. "Avoiding toxic family members."
This feels like the older sibling of Tip #2 but with extra bitterness. Cutting out family drama is solid advice, but let’s not act like this is achievable for everyone. Some of us still have to endure Thanksgiving dinners with Uncle Facebook-Conspiracy.
13. "I got a fish, and she has a personality!"
A betta fish with a personality, you say? Was this list sponsored by Petco? Look, we’re happy for you and your aquatic companion, but you’re not exactly pioneering new mental health frontiers here.
14. "Deleting Facebook changed my life."
Welcome to the year 2024, where everyone already knows Facebook is a cesspool. You’re about three years late to the “deleting social media for mental health” trend, but hey, better late than never.
15. "I prioritize sleep."
Revolutionary! Sleep is important! What’s next, a reminder that breathing oxygen is also good for your health? Will Ferrell in Elf would like a word about stealing his whole aesthetic.
16. "I read terrible fanfiction for fun."
Okay, this one is actually kind of iconic. An anonymous troll’s cringy Harry Potter fanfic as a form of therapy? Genius. Someone call Netflix; this needs to be a sitcom.
17. "I got rid of stuff!"
Decluttering your life is great, but let’s not act like you’ve reached Nirvana because you tossed out a blender you never used. Marie Kondo has entered the chat and is unimpressed.
18. "Walking in winter with coffee fixes my soul."
Let me get this straight: You endure the freezing cold for fun and call it self-care? This feels like a coping mechanism for people who live in perpetually gray states and need something to look forward to.
19. "I volunteer at the humane society for serotonin."
Shelby from Ontario, you’re doing great, sweetie. But for those of us who can’t trust ourselves not to come home with 17 cats, this tip feels borderline dangerous.
20. "I wake up before my kids for 'me time.'”
This sounds lovely in theory, but if you think I’m setting an alarm to meditate while the rest of the house sleeps, you’ve overestimated my commitment to inner peace.
21. "Movement saved me."
AJ from Massachusetts is here to remind us that walking is a thing you can do. Original content? No. Effective? Sure, if you’re into smugly sipping coffee while smugly strolling through your smug neighborhood.
22. "Bird watching makes me happy."
This is fine if you’re a Disney princess, but the rest of us need more than a bird bath and some binoculars to achieve enlightenment. Enjoy your feathered friends, though.
23. "Guilty pleasures with no guilt!"
Finally, someone admits to blasting Barbie Girl alone in their car. Own it, L from Illinois. You’re the hero we didn’t know we needed.
24. "Crafts help me refocus."
This tip is wholesome and oddly specific, which automatically earns it a gold star. But let’s not pretend everyone has the patience for embroidery when spiraling into existential dread.
25. "Breaking my day into quarters."
Courtney from Maryland is out here living her life like a football game. Honestly, this one’s kind of genius. If you can convince yourself a bad morning doesn’t ruin your evening, you’re already ahead of the game.
Final Thoughts: Is This Self-Care or Smug-Care?
There you have it: 25 tips that range from mildly helpful to wildly condescending. Sure, these suggestions might improve your life "tenfold," but let’s not pretend everyone has the time, money, or energy to turn their bathroom into a personal dance club or join the local geriatric choir.
So what’s the moral of the story? Do what works for you, but maybe tone down the “look how enlightened I am” energy. You’re not curing cancer; you’re just taking a walk.