Ah, the holidays. A time for joy, togetherness, and—let’s be honest—copious amounts of alcohol to make it through the togetherness. While Mariah Carey’s warbling about wanting you for Christmas, you're navigating a sea of eggnog, champagne, and questionable party cocktails that probably include way too much peppermint schnapps. But this year, you’ve decided to be “better.” Congratulations! Let’s dive into these “expert” tips for cutting back on booze this holiday season and see how well they hold up in the real world.
1. Plan or Attend Events Where Alcohol Isn’t the Main Attraction
Oh sure, because nothing says “holiday cheer” like standing in someone’s living room sipping tepid hot chocolate while pretending to care about their holiday light display. Dr. Stephen Holtsford suggests planning active events, like strolling around the neighborhood to gawk at lights. Great idea, Doc, except for one small problem: Have you met winter?
You’ll be out there in 20-degree weather, juggling a lukewarm thermos and trying to keep your toes from freezing off. Meanwhile, every third house will be having a proper party indoors where mulled wine flows freely. But no, you're the pioneer of sobriety, bravely enduring frostbite because alcohol isn’t the “main attraction.” Spoiler: By the end of the night, you’ll be mainlining Irish coffee just to warm up.
Reality Check: This might work if you live in sunny California. For the rest of us, booze-free holiday strolls sound as appealing as dry turkey. Next.
2. Only Drink on Special Occasions
“Special occasions” is a moving target during the holidays. What counts? A family dinner? A friend's party? Your dog successfully learning to sit while you wear a Santa hat? Kelly Jones advises limiting yourself to a few specific occasions—but let’s be real, every day between Thanksgiving and New Year’s can be spun into a “special occasion.”
Plus, let’s not forget the emotional minefield that is the holidays. Aunt Carol cornering you about your “life choices” or Uncle Bob waxing poetic about his conspiracy theories? That's not just a "special occasion"—it's a survival situation. And sometimes, survival requires wine.
Reality Check: This tip assumes you have the self-control of a Buddhist monk. If you can do this, congrats. For the rest of us, it’s going to take more than willpower to turn down that mid-week hot toddy.
3. Find an Accountability Buddy
Nothing screams holiday fun like treating your alcohol consumption like a middle school science project. Dr. Partha Nandi suggests finding a buddy to hold you accountable and make it a “fun challenge” to try non-alcoholic drinks together. Because if there’s one thing that screams “festive,” it’s sipping a Shirley Temple while your coworker keeps tabs on you like a parole officer.
Here’s how this plays out: You and your buddy pledge to stick to mocktails, and by the second party, one of you is sneakily spiking your soda with vodka because “you’re an adult, dammit.” By the third party, your “accountability buddy” is nowhere to be found, probably because they caved and went full margarita when no one was looking.
Reality Check: If you need a buddy to hold your hand while you say no to a spiked cider, maybe the problem isn’t alcohol—it’s your tolerance for peer pressure.
4. Develop a Drinking Strategy
A strategy for drinking less during the holidays? Sounds like the kind of thing that requires spreadsheets, PowerPoints, and at least three meetings to implement. Stephanie Dunne suggests starting with sparkling water to delay that first drink and alternating between alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages. A noble idea, until you’re at a party where everyone is double-fisting whiskey sours and you’re over here nursing a LaCroix.
Also, let’s talk about alternating drinks. Sure, it sounds great in theory, but what happens when your non-alcoholic “buffer” is just a sad glass of tap water? “Festive” is a word that doesn’t even wave at this scenario from across the street.
Reality Check: Unless the party is stocked with gourmet mocktails (and let’s face it, they aren’t), you’re basically signing up for an evening of FOMO. Pass the punch bowl.
5. Embrace the World of Mocktails
Ah, mocktails. The non-alcoholic savior of the holiday season. Except let’s be honest: most mocktails are just overpriced juice in a fancy glass. Stephanie Dunne recommends experimenting with booze-free options before the holiday season hits. Her favorite? Cranberry juice and sparkling water in a champagne flute. Because nothing says “celebration” like pretending your sparkling water is champagne.
Meanwhile, your friends are clinking actual champagne flutes and toasting to a new year while you sip what is essentially a sad breakfast beverage. BYO non-alcoholic drinks? Sure, if you enjoy being the weirdo pulling out a bottle of zero-proof wine at the holiday potluck. Nothing says “life of the party” like explaining to Aunt Carol why your “wine” won’t make you tipsy.
Reality Check: Mocktails can be fun… for about five minutes. After that, you’re just drinking juice while everyone else is having a real good time.
The Inevitable Conclusion: Holiday Drinking Isn’t About the Drinks
The thing about the holidays isn’t the alcohol—it’s everything else. The stress, the family drama, the endless to-do lists, the pressure to be joyful every waking moment. Alcohol isn’t the villain here; it’s the socially acceptable Band-Aid we slap on the season to survive it.
If you really want to drink less during the holidays, forget the mocktails and strategies. Focus on saying no to things you don’t want to do, taking breaks when you need them, and not trying to be everyone’s holiday hero. And if you still want that glass of wine after all that? Cheers. You’ve earned it.
